So Squirtle….you’re starting middle school.

I guess this means I should stop calling you Squirtle. Let’s table the nickname issue for a minute though. We have more important things to discuss. Namely, that the next three years are kinda gonna suck.

I don’t want to be Aunt Jessica the downer, but I do want to be straight with you: middle school is probably going to rank as one of the crappier experiences of your life.  This sounds horrifying, but before you become a sixth grade dropout, hear me out.

You’re 11. Everything feels bigger than it is. When I was 11, the smallest things sent me over the edge. You want me to switch dance partners? This is an injustice the likes of which Dr. King would not stand for.  I didn’t get the part I wanted in the school play? Nothing crying for a week can’t solve.

I’m not trying to say you don’t have real problems.  Things happen to you that hurt or make you smile and they do so for very good reason. What I want you to understand is this: the older you get, the more you realize that this stuff does hurt, but that you are strong enough to bounce back and move on.

You’re a strong kid. Remind yourself of that every day before school starts or whenever you feel like you just don’t want to deal with it anymore. It may not make you feel any happier about pushing through, but let me tell you, life only gets tougher and it is the people who can push their way through their problems that succeed.

Now, on to some more practical advice.

As someone who incessantly photographs you, this first bit of advice might surprise you. Avoid photographs. Take the school picture, pose for some Christmas shots, but don’t get in any more photographs than you have to be in.  Middle schoolers are a universally awkward bunch. I was reminded of this last week when a friend posted some photos from Aunt Jessica’s middle school days. Try not to judge the hair too harshly.  As Grandma will attest, this was a transitional phase, which is a girly hair concept you probably won’t ever understand.

The one relieving thing about these photos was a realization I want to impart on to you: when I was your age, I thought many of my peers looked like tall, gorgeous models. I thought I couldn’t compare. Looking at this photo, I can tell you without hesitation that we all looked incredibly awkward. There is no avoiding it. Just embrace that you are all going through it together, wear your braces with pride, and thank the heavens that the health and beauty industries are advancing at lightning speed.

Next tip Squirtle: play the friend field. These are the folks you’re going to spend the next seven years with, so don’t get tied down to the first kid who asks you to eat lunch with them. Get to know as many people as you can.  Meet the athletes, the artists, the band geeks, and the science kids.  If you want, stay friends with all of them. In your teens, there is no such thing as too many friends. You never know when your interests might change or someone you wouldn’t have given a chance opens your eyes to something really cool.

You, kiddo, need to make it your mission to open people’s eyes to things that are really cool. Don’t look to others to tell you what you like and what is cool. Keep reading, keep testing out new video games, and always be on the lookout for the cool new thing.  You know how you don’t spend your middle school days trying to keep up with what is cool? Be the kid determining what cool is.

You’re like Aunt Jessica—dripping with sarcasm. I’m gonna warn you that some of the kids aren’t gonna get you. Don’t let it get you down, but here are two other important lessons. 1. Never, ever dumb yourself down for anybody. 2. Never, ever lord it over someone when they aren’t in the know on something.

The second rule is going to be tough, because this is a three year period in which kids learn that putting other people down can make them feel better about themselves.  I’ll be honest, I did this. I can almost guarantee your mom did this too, because everyone that age inevitably does. If you mess up and say something mean, rest assured that (hopefully) no one will remember in 15 years. At the very least, most won’t hold it against you. Then tell yourself that you absolutely have to grow out of this bad habit if it is the last thing you do.

I know I said I would be practical and this stuff still sounds pretty emotional and heavy. So, if this stuff isn’t quite sinking in to your 11 year old brain, set it aside for a year and focus on these ten concrete rules:

1. Ask girls to dance at your middle school socials. You’re in Tennessee, as a dude it is your job to do the asking and girls will love you for it.

2. Learn from my mistakes, do not become a procrastinator when it comes to homework. This is a bad habit you CANNOT outgrow. And let me tell you buddy, writing 25 page papers for a Masters program 48 hours before it is due is not something I ever wish you go through.

3. If homework does get overwhelming, don’t ever copy someone else’s work. You are still young enough where you get one get out of jail free card, but by eighth grade, that crap ain’t gonna fly and the consequences will be dire.

4. Find some sort of activity. I know you hate them, but these extracurricular activities are going to be more useful to you as an adult than a lot of stuff you’re going to learn in the classroom.

5. Don’t be Grandma. Learn how to use the computer. Type everything. Surf the internet, but don’t ever cite Wikipedia as a source. If you want the full lecture on why you can’t, we can talk at Christmas.

6. You’ll probably start thinking about getting on Facebook now. Before you put anything and I mean ANYTHING on your Facebook page, ask yourself this: How do I feel about Grandma seeing this? You’re not allowed to sign up for FourSquare. It is dangerous to constantly report where you are to strangers on the internet. You are allowed to post something emo on your Facebook status once a month. That is it. I will be policing this from Las Vegas.

7. Be nice to your teachers. I know you sometimes think you’re smarter than them. Sorry kiddo, most of the time you aren’t. They aren’t out to get you. They’re here to help. Let them help, ok?

8. Being a nerd is cool these days. Embrace it. Let your nerd side work for you. Don’t try to be something you aren’t.

9. I say embrace your nerd side, but a quick exception to that rule: You’re going to still like some of the kid stuff you liked in elementary school. In theory, you’re supposed to grow out of this by sixth grade, but it is okay if you still like it. Just keep it on the DL. I hid that I still watched the Care Bears movies well into my teens and only pretended to rediscover it when I claimed it was “ironic admiration” at the start of my baby hipster phase (we’ll talk about hipsters when you start high school).

10. Relax. I know I’ve thrown a lot of rules at you and I bet your first day of school felt like a day-long list of dos and don’ts. There is no right or wrong way to make it through middle school. Do what you can, have as much fun as possible, and remember that this, like everything, is only temporary.

Like pretty much everyone else I know, I have quickly fallen deeply in love with “Orange is the New Black” on Netflix. The women’s prison dramedy features a female ensemble with at least a dozen characters I can invest in, relate to, and care about.  

This doesn’t sound all that impressive, I realize. Things have gotten pretty dire for me and some of my friends, who also happen to be girls rounding the bend into their 30s. To be honest, I just don’t see myself on TV much anymore. I see a lot of truly obnoxious hapless 23-year-old girls that I am supposed to find endearing because they literally cannot solve a single one of their own problems.  I have the occasional beacon of hope, like Mindy Lahiri on the hit and miss “The Mindy Project” or some of the excellent ensemble of women on “Parenthood”, but I had been desperate for a consistently compelling show in which my favorite characters weren’t competing for airtime or bogged down by mediocre material.

Then I found the answer in a fictional prison. I should pause for concern that the women of Orange is the New Black, who play convicted criminals, is where I finally raised my hands in relief and proclaimed, “Thank God, women I can relate to!”, but I am just so enamored with this damned show, I can’t be bothered to care. Be it Claudette, the reserved old woman who won’t tolerate cellmates who don’t tow the line, Poussey, the class clown, Crazy Eyes, the best adopted character of the year, I love and understand all of them.

Others are not as keen on the leading lady, Piper Chapman (Taylor Schilling). They find her to be a little less interesting than the array of women around her, but for someone who is on the verge of 30 and oscillates between feeling like I have it together and feeling like I am completely lost.  Piper is new to prison and she makes mistakes and gets into trouble. She gets in over her head and, hey, sometimes, she has to rely on others to get her out. But, she also figures some shit out herself and, for that, I adore her.

Problem is, OITNB is but 13 episodes long, so I am already finding myself hankering for more female ensembles. Thankfully, I found some solutions this weekend and figured I would pass them along:

1. The Women If you think OITNB has an overwhelmingly female cast, this 1939 flick has it beat. The film features over 130 women and nary a single dude. Sure, the women talk about dudes a lot. Let’s be honest, that is what a lot of us do. However, the crux of this movie is how these women relate to each other, not how they relate to guys.

The heart of the story is a bit dated and disheartening. A married, loving mother learns through the gossip grapevine that her husband is having an affair with a perfume salesgirl played by Joan Crawford. Her mother tells her to bite her tongue and keep her man, but the woman (Norma Shearer) doesn’t listen and handles things her own way.

I know most of you are frightened at the idea of a 2 hour+ dramedy featuring only chicks who datedly want to stand by their man, but this thing is pretty fascinating both historically and on its own merits. A few tips though: First, fast forward through the weird ten minute fashion show in the middle. Second, don’t bother trying to learn all the characters. This is like classic movie Game of Thrones, just learn the faces and what they do. Finally, stick with it to the end for a delightfully epic catfight that I wish I saw more of in pop culture these days.

Check Joan Crawford as the other woman, being awesome:

2. Pitch Perfect If you are frightened of 75 year old movies and have been living under a rock, as I have, I have a more current option for you. I truly have not a clue on Earth how it took me so long to see this movie. It is basically hand-crafted to entertain me. You have the awesome Broadway import Anna Kendrick singing (if you haven’t seen her in Camp, it is a must-watch for any theater nerd). It has yet another Spring Awakening star moving on to bigger and better things, Skylar Astin. Oh, and it has a group of hilarious and talented women singing a cappela. And yes, we do have the requisite love story, but aside from Kendrick’s love interest, this movie is completely about the women, how they work together, how they bond, and they grow.   I mean, come on:

3. French and Saunders I have a hard time picking an IMDB to link to, as these two women, best known for their work on AbFab, have been putting together sketches for years.  My friend Scott demanded I watch the women’s movie spoofs, which date back to the early 90s, and I have to give him a big hug when I go into work Monday morning. These are two chicks unconcerned about coming across unfeminine or even at playing dudes, complete with chst hair, if it means they’ll get a laugh. Plus, the intense detail of these movie spoofs is commendable whether you’re a girl or a guy.

This Star Wars one isn’t my favorite, but here is an example of what you are in for:

These female ensemble pieces are out there, which is a relief. The sad part is, you just have to do a lot of digging for them sometimes, as they are the exception, not the rule. While I wish there were more Pitch Perfects and OITNBs out there in the current landscape of culture, this is why I am the old codger who goes back in time to find my entertainment. Why settle for a limited range when there is a 75 year old movie that fits the bill of exactly what you’re looking for?

There was a rumor floating around work today that woman died in our employee cafeteria. The story goes that she laid her head down to nap and never woke up. After a few hours, someone tried to rouse her to no avail.  Allegedly, she was only 32 years old.

While I was, by and large, horrified by this story, I was relieved for two reasons.

1. She did not appear to die from causes related to the food in the employee cafeteria.

2. There are sadder ways to die than alone in your home.

That’s right, I think about this kind of stuff. As both someone who has lived alone for several years and someone who perpetually worries about everything, I have thought about what might happen should I meet my demise home alone.

I think about how long it might take someone to find me and, more importantly, I think about what state they might find me in.  There is room for the scene of my death to be horribly embarrassing. Just imagine:

“Well sir, we found the victim on the floor here in the living room.  She was wearing socks, boxer shorts, and what appears to be a shirt with the children’s book character Madeline on it. She might have been snacking. As you see, there is this log of goat cheese near the victim’s right hand.  Best we figure is she slipped mid-bite, fell, and choked to death on some chevre.

Looking around at the victim’s home, we found the TV cued up to musical station Spotify. It appears she was listening to a playlist entitled "The Showiest Show Tunes That Could Ever Be Show Tunes.”  The last songs played appear to be the second act of “Mamma Mia.”

Our best guess sir is that the fall came from a dance move gone awry. The neighbors tell us they regularly felt a commotion that sounded like dancing coming from the apartment along with a combination of show tunes, country music, and, on occasion, Kelly Clarkson. So, cause of death is accidental; a toxic combination of Meryl Streep, cheese, and exuberance.“

This, ladies and gentleman, is why dancing like nobody’s watching has some drawbacks.

I am a clumsy sort. Moreover, I am awfully forgetful and, more than once, I have burned my carpet with an unattended curling iron. I have a tendency to let the life things slide too. For example, the light in my garage is currently burnt out. I need to call maintenance, but haven’t found time this week, so if I get home after dark, I simply paw my way through the darkness to do the door, hoping not to stumble or come across a bug along the way.

I try not to take these risks though, because when things do go awry, it is scary sometimes to have no one to rely on. I’ll be honest. The other day, I had a full on meltdown as a result of a piece of gum.

I was peacefully sitting on the couch, piddling around on the laptop, chewing on a piece of gum.  The piece was wedged on the right side of my mouth and I only occasionally chomped down on it.  As I slowly chewed, I jolted upright as I bit down on something incredibly hard.

I immediately spit out my gum into my hand to figure out what was going on. As I looked closely, I realized what I was looking at were two largish shards of tooth.

I repeat, tooth.

I frantically ran my tongue over every tooth until I found the broken one.  I was shocked and a little confused to discover the tooth didn’t hurt to the touch.  The calm, rational Jess concluded this was probably a filling that popped out. Panicked, afraid to be found alone dead in her apartment Jess concluded her teeth might be so far gone that the root is dead and this is just the beginning. All the teeth could go at any moment.  

As someone who has been obsessed with good dental hygiene since childhood to the point she had a crush on Hermey, I can assure you there is nothing more frightening to me than the thought of losing teeth. Whenever I even have a simple cavity, I am incredibly disappointed and frustrated. I brush. I floss. I rinse with fluoride. In other words, I don’t want to lose my chompers.

So, it is around this time that blind panic sets in. What do you do when you chip a tooth? It was after 11pm and I didn’t think any of my friends would know the answer. I assumed my mom was asleep in Memphis, where it was nearing 2am. So I Googled. The internet told me I needed dental cement and that it could be found at any pharmacy.

I grabbed my keys and headed for the door. "Keep it together,” I whispered to myself as I started the car. This calm didn’t last long.

If you live in Henderson, Nevada, you perhaps know that, while many things in Las Vegas are open 24 hours, pharmacies in this neck of the woods are not one of those things. After three closed pharmacies, an increasingly panicked me headed for the nearest grocery store. The Vons was open, however, the pharmacy was closed for cleaning.

I had held it together through all of this. But staring at the dental aisle with a cone and a flimsy rope holding me back, I had reached my breaking point. My lip began to quiver and I reached for my mom. I cast my mom’s needs aside and called her in the middle of the night like a pathetic child.

“MotheriwaschewinggumandthenmyfuckingtoothjustfelloutandilookedontheinternetforhelpandIneeddentalcementbuteverywhereisclosedandthegrocerystorehatesmeandohmyGodallofmyteetharegoingtofallout. Do. You. Hear. Me? FALL! OUT!”

My mom, who is both a saint and a night owl, was thankfully still awake. She had no suggestions, but she did talk me off the ledge as I proceeded to Wal Mart.

“Jessica, I bet you will be okay until the morning without this dental cement. Just don’t eat or drink anything.”

“The internet says cement, Mom. I’m finding the damn cement.”

Then, Dolores pointed out something very salient.

“Well, be sure you aren’t allergic to this stuff before you buy it.”

Even though I am obsessed with dental hygiene, part of the reason I tend to get cavities more often than I like is because I have an allergy that makes it pretty difficult to keep my teeth clean. I’m allergic to mint. Seriously allergic. Not puff up and die need an epi-pen, but searing burning pain that will last for a couple of days kind of allergic. I can’t even put mint on my skin. I’ll get what looks like a second degree sunburn.

Take a look around your bathroom. Tell me which of your dental supplies isn’t minty. Throw in the fact that cinnamon flavored stuff burns my mouth too and you are left with a gal who stockpiles Tom’s Natural toothpaste by the cabinet and buys children’s bubble gum flavored fluoride.

Dolores was right too. After 45 minutes of searching, I found the dental cement at Wal Mart. I also found out every version of it contained mint. I returned home despondent and exhausted.

This is the downside of living alone. These moments of panic where you think your teeth might all be falling out (for those concerned, it was just a filling the dentist replaced the next morning).  When something goes wrong, you are confronted head on that you are the only one who can solve your problems.

But there are good things about being by yourself. You dance around your living room. The DVR is your domain. And no one is there to pass judgment on you when you trip and choke on a piece of cheese or become convinced you will wake up a toothless hag or want to rock out to Kelly Clarkson in your pajamas. It has it’s dangers, yes, but it is a safe place, it is your place. And, even if it is face-down in a pile of cheese, I can say with certainty I would rather be found dead here than anywhere else.

I’m sitting on my couch watching Renoir’s “The Rules of the Game” wearing a Bayside High t-shirt. When I’m done with the flick, I’m probably gonna plow through this week’s “Real Housewives of Orange County”. If I’m still awake? A couple of chapters of “My Lunches: Conversations Between Henry Jaglom and Orson Welles”.  

I doubt I could craft a more typical night. My weird little insular life, always a strange amalgamation of high and low.

I can’t decide if it is my musical taste or my personal life that is stuck in a rut. Whenever I get in one of those moods that requires a little emo music and some wallowing, I turn to the same crop of 20 songs or so.   For convenience sake, I’ve even compiled a playlist, entitled “The Mopiest”, for easy access to the songs that I feel capture my mood and the situation that drove me to this self-indulgent pity binge.  Over the years, new songs have made the cut, but there are also tunes on there that I listened to back in freshman year of college after a bad break-up. So, we are talking about some sad songs that I have listened to hundreds of times for over a decade.

Whether it be Jimmy Eat World’s “If You Don’t Don’t” or Ben Folds Five’s “Evaporated”, for years I have found the solace I am seeking in emo-ing out to this music.  I would contend that both of these songs are amazing independent of my personal attachment to them.  Still though, there are always alarm bells ringing in the distance that the same song that summed up my life at age 19 is still what I turn to at age 29.  I suppose part of this is how pop culture is intended to function.  You develop a special attachment to these texts, you ascribe your own memories into them, and revisiting them, at least for me, helps me to reflect back on the past and, in theory, learn from it.

How much I am learning is up for debate though.  The beauty of great pop songs is their universal accessibility.  So, I guess it makes a certain amount of sense that the songs I love and lean on the most always seem to find a way to be fitting.  On the other hand, as someone who pays such close attention to the lyrics, I have to pause and be slightly concerned at how precise some of these sentiments seem, yet how often these sentiments seem to apply.  It isn’t even inadvertent. I can identify mid-situation exactly which song I am going to immediately put on in the car. I feel myself in these down moments in my life thinking, “Well, it has been a while since you’ve dusted off Jason Robert Brown” as they are happening.  I am basically one step away from responding to people in these conversations in my life with song lyrics instead of my own original thoughts.

What I’m getting at is this: I don’t know if these songs are helping or hurting.  Each time that I cue up The Mopiest, am I just setting myself up for another situation that will lead me to listen to the three (that’s right, three) different covers of “Someone to Fall Back On” that are on this playlist? I say I learn from this process, but here I am reviewing the same material. I’ve learned the lesson this four minute song has to offer. I love this song.  In my mind, it is one of the greatest songs ever written. I owe a lot of good cries and pensive moments and long drives to this song.  And I think, as long as I live, I won’t be able to listen to it without reflecting back on numerous moments in the past ten years that have hurt, but helped me grow up.  I’m grateful for this song.

But I am ready for this playlist and this song to stop defining the personal moments of my life over and over again. I am ready to learn the lesson. I am ready to fuck up my personal relationships in a new and inventive way. I am ready for new songs. They don’t even need to be happy ones. They just need to be different.

You would think my tales of a week as a juror in the Clark Count Nevada legal system would be a salacious tale of criminals and the underbelly of Las Vegas.  I suppose I have that version of the story in me somewhere, but to be perfectly honest, the snippets of people and the process are far more fascinating to me. So, rather than go into the details of the murder trial (a relatively inaccurate report of the case can be found on KNTV), I figured it would be a much more worthwhile venture to offer you some of the pithy observations/life lessons from the courthouse, cause if BuzzFeed has taught me anything, it is that we all love an arbitrarily numbered list of pithy observations, amirite?

1. The chairs in the jury holding tank in the courthouse are the single most comfortable government institution chairs I have ever encountered. They look green and are potentially filled with dust and disease, but the risk to your health is well worth the comfort they provide.

2. The initial jury selection process is one of the single best testaments to just how many horrifying people exist in the world.  They brought in 80-85 people as prospective jurors and well over 60 of them were people I wouldn’t trust to watch over a potted plant. For the first two hours of the day, I dreamed up scenarios of what I would do if ever wrongfully accused of a serious crime. Most ended in me running away to another country.

If you want an example, here is one of many: A man seems to not understand the difference between murder and manslaughter.  The judge is trying to explain it to him. The man tells him, “I know what manslaughter is. I’m a butcher.” A few seconds of awkward silence later he adds, “It is when you drain the blood of like a pig or a goat.”

Dude, come on, the word has “man” in it.

3. If you are to believe all of the mothers in Nevada trying to get out of jury duty, a disconcerting number of families in Southern Nevada apparently do not have any families in town, do not have any family friends, and none of their children have any friends.  These women are all also hyper-fearful of the concept of a 17 year-old kid babysitting their spawn for two hours.

4. If you ever find yourself at the Clark County Court House, check out Anthony’s, the pizza place across the street from the front door. They even have endearing but abrasive servers a la Ed Debevics.

5. If you are a reasonably sane human being and you make it into the jury box, it is going to take an awful lot for you to not end up on the jury.

6. You will experience mixed feelings about being selected for a jury. On the one hand, it is a giant inconvenience.  On the other hand, if you were ever accused of a crime you didn’t commit wouldn’t you want the judge and attorneys to pick 12 people like you to determine your fate?

7. If you are male and an attorney in Clark County, there is a surprisingly high probability that you wear your hair in a ponytail on the regular.

8. There is indeed a more awkward situation to get the giggles than at a funeral.  That situation arises if you are possessed by uncontrollable fits of laughter during the closing arguments of a trial in which a person is accused of brutally killing another person. As you convulse and start tearing up, I advise  pleading “allergies” and thinking of the most unpleasantly sad things you can come up with.

9. When you have to listen to a finite number of people orate for several days on end, there is really no speech pattern or strange habit you don’t pick up on. I thought it was just me, being that I am 1) a speech nerd and 2) that person who notices (and hates) everything, but it quickly became apparent that everyone else on the jury had noticed the same thing.

10. If you ever see Jerome T. Tao’s name on a ballot for any sort of judge role, vote for him. He is remarkably good at his job.  Both patient and fair, he is a judge I would trust to preside over any case I am ever involved in.

11. Despite our ability to successfully accomplish this at the Southwest Air gates at the airport every day, it is apparently too much to ask 50 adults to line up in numerical order.

12. Even when you get down to the much more manageable group of 12 jurors and two alternates, the officials of the court will still not trust you to walk in the room and find your chair. They will make you line up in order every. single. time. 

13. Our specific case taught me that there are still people aplenty in this world who think it is a good idea to add someone you are not married or blood-related to on your bank account.

14. Once the trial is over, a couple of things you wouldn’t expect to happen will happen.  If you serve for several days, the judge will very likely come back to the jury deliberation area and thank you for your service.  He will also answer any questions you may have about the process.  Judge Tao was surprisingly candid with his answers, which was really cool. He told us some of the evidence that got suppressed, gave his opinion on the best verdict, and gave us more insight on the jury selection process.

Then, you get to talk to the attorneys, should they choose to talk to you.  They answer questions, but they also will ask you for feedback about how they did.  If there was ever any doubt that image is everything, most of this feedback will be about how it is weird that they hold the lapels of their suit when they speak as opposed to things like, you know, evidence, lines of questioning, burden of proof.

15. I was truly surprised at how much this case was about what wasn’t being said versus what was actually being entered into evidence. They give you a little notebook to take notes in (they aren’t allowed to leave the courtroom) and mine was filled not with notes, but with questions.  In fact, once we got to deliberations, a good chunk of the discussion was throwing out theories and explanations to the many unanswered questions.  

There were many parts of the experience that were more similar to Law & Order and 12 Angry Men than you would expect, particularly the time we spent in deliberations.  What was the most jarring and unexpected part of this trial though was watching information unfold as if it were the plot of “Memento”; you think you have a version of the story and then, suddenly, something comes in out of left field that throws your version of the story in total disarray.  It makes the process of figuring out what happened that much more difficult.  This was the part I was most unprepared for going into this. It was also the part of the process that was the most taxing on an emotional and mental level.  It is more than just weighing two versions of a story. It is having the pieces of two different puzzles all jumbled together, and even if you manage to wedge these pieces in together, the big picture is a messy one and one that will always leave you with a certain number of lingering doubts.

As much as I hate Los Angeles and swear I will never live in that vast wasteland again, I do tend to spend more time here than just about anywhere else besides Vegas.  Having gone to college in LA and having lived in town a couple of years beyond that, I have a friend base here I like to check in on with relative frequency.

This trip, I didn’t even really have much of agenda to the visit.  I did go to see some movies at the TCM Classic Film Festival, but I mostly just wanted to get away from Vegas and poker for just a minute before the long stretch of the World Series of Poker begins in about a month.

While I love my poker friends and enjoy Vegas a lot, I like these trips because they remind me there was a time in my life where everything was not about poker, both at and away from work.

I also like trips like these since they offer me a chance to hit up some of my favorite LA food establishments that I tend to get somewhat nostalgic for, like Poquito Mas.  For those not in the know, Poquito Mas is hands-down the bet walk in and order at the counter fast food chain there is. Eff Qdoba. Eff Chipotle. And, call me crazy fellow Las Vegans, but eff Cafe Rio too.

I hit up the local Poquito with three of my friends, including Vince, who lived on my floor freshman year of college.  Vince is the ultimate reality check kind of friend both because his accomplishments in life are inevitably always twice as impressive as yours and because he is always ready and willing to call you on the dumb decisions you’ve made in your life the most humorous way possible. Cases in point:

“Oh guys, we can’t go the movie right now, Jess is real busy with work. You know, checking the Twitters.”

“Remember your first big break up when you went a little crazy and made your AIM status ‘Coping’ for a week?”

In other words, he is awesome. One of my favorite people and one who always found this strange detour of mine from my life plan into poker more amusing, strange, and nonsensical than most.

As I grabbed us a booth, Vince rounded up salsa and utensils.  While he was scooping some verde sauce, a man approached him.

“Excuse me, but is that Jess Welman?”

I guess this nice man saw Vince and I chatting in line and deduced we knew one another. Vince was more perplexed and offered nothing but a blank stare.

“I don’t know her,” the man explained,“I’m just a fan.”

Before I go on with the story, let me briefly explain that, yes, from time to time, people recognize who I am from my web video, podcast, and WPT days.  This mostly happens at poker events, but occasionally it happens in the most unusual of places–typically fast food Mexican restaurants.  Like the nice fellow who spotted me in an Oklahoma City Moe’s Southwestern Grill once.  While I always find people saying they like my work flattering, it never ceases to be a little strange for me, as most of my non-poker friends, like Vince, don’t even realize I have been on TV before.

With that in mind, what happens next shouldn’t surprise you.

Vince bursts out laughing, one of those gutteral laughs that comes in waves. I am still unclear on whether or not Vince confirmed who I was, I joined the story as Vince, genuinely doubled over, comes back to the booth, takes a seat, and continues to laugh, stopping long enough to incredulously inform me:

“That guy in the Longhorns hat over there just asked if you were Jess Welman.”

Yup. This is exactly why I came to LA this weekend. 

I’ve already talked about House of Cards, opined for the Veronica Mars Kickstarter project, I’m counting down the days to the premiere of Arrested Development, so it should surprise no one that I took an interest in Amazon’s new Instant Video Pilot Program.

Unlike television, which makes several pilots then has to greenlight shows based on test audiences and feedback from the development department, Amazon is basically crowdsourcing this part of the process to its viewers.  We the audience can watch the pilots, fill out a survey, and make the effort to get the shows we want on the airwaves.  From what I can tell, Amazon is up for greenlighting more than one, but it will be interesting to see what benchmark these shows have to reach to get a full order and just how long this process will take.  Has to be a tense time for the performers and staffs of these shows, as they sit back and see whether their show gets selected or not.

I had heard about Alpha House and Onion News Empire prior to their release this weekend, but I was surprised to see there are actually 14 pilots up for viewing–six kids shows, two animated adult comedies, and six sitcoms.  I wasn’t feeling very cartoonish, but I did check out the six live-action ones and offered up my thoughts both to Amazon and right here in case you are curious what the shows have to offer, ranked in order from best to worst:

1. Betas

While I wouldn’t say this show is the funniest, I will say it is probably my favorite.  While Onion News Empire and Alpha House threw out more jokes, this was the only show in which I found myself pretty invested in both the concept and the characters by episode’s end.  The gist is this: A Silicon Valley startup seeks funding to keep its new social app in development.  At the helm of the project is Trey (Joe Dinicol in a standout performance), who rallies the troops, including his best friend and lead developer Nash.  Trey is the heart and driving force of the story, while the rest of the cast provides a steady stream of laughs with jokes about nerds, internet culture, and startups.

This was the one show I watched where I really did want to see what happens next, which, for me, is what I look for in a comedy. Jokes are great, but if I don’t have some sort of vested interest in the characters, I am not going to stick around.

2. Alpha House

The most traditional sitcom in the bunch, this Washington-set show is kind of like a funny version of “House of Cards” as a quartet of lazy Senators bunk together in a house.  The pilot featured plenty of entertaining jokes, but the real strength of the show lies in the performances.  John Goodman is, of course, awesome.  The real surprise for me though is Clark Johnson. You might recognize him as Gus Haynes from Season 5 of The Wire. I didn’t, as Season 5 of The Wire is pretty terribad and has been banished from my memory along with Season 7 of Buffy and Godfather III.  I don’t recall him being very funny though, so that he got me chuckling in this pilot caught me by surprise.

I will say that the pilot did seem a bit meandering for my tastes. We started with a hilarious inciting incident involving Bill Murray and the pilot did center on finding a new roommate as a result, several other setups were introduced and almost immediately cast away. The speaking filibuster is a great example of a device that was funny and had more potential, but got abandoned rather quickly.

Potential is a word I would use to describe the entire show to be honest. Top notch writers and actors and a premise that works.  I am willing to keep giving it a shot though.

3. Onion News Empire

This satire of “The Newsroom” seemed like it was right up my alley, yet there was something that kept me from getting entirely into it.  Since we are dealing with The Onion here, I know what I am about to say is a bit absurd, but–it is a little too much parody for my taste.  It is the same issue I have with “Community”.  When you become so involved in the parody and the concept of the joke, the characters tend to suffer.  Just look at this season of Community, which has tried to go a little more mainstream and abandoned some of its more out there riffs and parodies.  Now that we are dealing with more “traditional” sitcom set-ups, we are seeing that a lot of the core cast is very one-note (I’m looking at you Annie).  

There are plenty of characters in Onion News Empire, but they tend to be broadly one-note.  I am not asking for a Full House sentimental moment once an episode, but if this gets picked up and doesn’t spend as much time on characters as crafting zingers, I think I am gonna be out.

4. Browsers

If I thought Onion News Empire was going to be up my alley, I didn’t realize that Browsers seems to be basically pulled from my dreams.  It is a musical. About internet content people. And Bebe Neuwirth is in it.  Bebe. Neuwirth.

Yet, this show turned out to be a huge disappointment.

There isn’t a lot of Bebe, unfortunately. Instead, the show focuses on a quartet of interns at a Huffington Post clone searching for link-baiting content across the internet.  The four actors are good enough singers, but the show has made the ill-advised decision to sing original music. Of the four or five musical numbers, three were terrible, one was forgettable, and one was sung by Ms. Neuwirth and contained the refrain “I’m the one with not to fuck”, referring to her status as the big boss on campus. Bebe Neuwirth singing a song about not fucking with her is kind of a can’t-miss setup, but that is more because we are dealing with a talent like Neuwirth and a funny concept, not because the song was exceptionally well-crafted.

It isn’t particularly funny, the characters aren’t particularly interesting, and the songs are more a hindrance than a help. In other words, not a fan.

5. Zombieland

Probably not a good sign that the show most likely to get picked up in this pilot process is 5/6 on my list.  This is a TV version of the amusing Jesse Eisenberg and Woody Harrelson flick by the same name.  None of the original cast is back for the show, which is a glaring problem. It is like watching the Greater Sheboygan Community Theater stage a play of the movie. Everything about it is low rent. Plus, as The Walking Dead has shown us, while killing zombies is fun, there is a lot of monotony in an undead apocalypse, so I am already concerned there won’t be enough material for an entire show.  Even in the pilot, they had but one gag that they repeated for 22 minutes with several zombie deaths in between. Bright side if this gets picked up: The Walking Dead might not be the worst zombie-themed episodic show out there anymore.

6. Those Who Can’t

This was a painfully unfunny show about immature teachers at a high school. Honestly, I just can’t get into the manchild humor of shows like “Workaholics” and this is very much in that vein. Barely lasted through the 25 minutes of adults trying to frame a punk student for drug possession, for this show is rather aptly titled.  They just can’t.